chimesblog

Five years ago today I posted this photo on Facebook:

And two years ago today we went from close friends to being nearly inseparable. I’m going to be disgustingly sappy, but I’m so thankful I found everything I ever dreamed of and more all rolled into one amazing guy. And he’s mine.

Here’s a photo from the first night we went out in public as a couple. Steph and Nathan just got engaged so we went to The Lift and Fong’s to celebrate (where else?).

Here we are at Welch Ave. Station in Ames (again … where else?). One thing I love about Mark is that I’m not the only one geeking out over 80s tunes when he’s around. Full-on belting occurs when “Come on Eileen” or “Take on Me” is played.

February 2010 — Night of the Living Prom — this is our Billy Idol pose. Rock.

New Year’s 2011 (man I looked bad with RED red hair!). This is an ill-advised hair moment for both of us. Advised by who? Me. Of course. I kept dying my hair red while telling Mark he should grow his out again because it’s so cute … [thanks to Justin for the pic!]

Spring 2011 (I may have put this one in just because I love my hair and earrings combo here). For the record, I LOVE BEARDS. I didn’t like facial on men before I fell in love with Mark. Now I realize that fur on the face makes the man.

And at Steph and Nathan’s wedding in May of 2011 (yeah we came full circle here!). Thanks to Kelly for this pic. I included this because Mark looks awesome in a suit and I absolutely adored the flowers we got to carry.

July 2011. Last photo of us together … most likely because we haven’t gone out forever. Mark bought a car in August and I’ve been pretty much worked to the bone since July. We’ve been hitting up La Fuente like nobody’s business, but otherwise have pretty much spent our nights at home with Netflix and Buffy, Kevin Arnold and zombies.

Happy two years, babe. I hope we have many many more.

Share on Facebook

the week of sheer hell that i’ve lived through.

9:30 AM last wednesday I got a text from my sister asking me to call her ASAP. I thought my grandma had died. I was ready for that.

Not for this.

It was about our 20-year old cousin, who grew up and still lived across the street from my parents house where we grew up and who’s one of my sister’s best friends — Jackie.

Jackie shot herself.

Immediately I knew it was over for her. And was hoping for a quick and painless death or for some miracle of God to let her recover — FULLY.

But I knew what she wanted. If she didn’t want it, she wouldn’t have pulled the trigger.

Before you think I’m a complete asshole, let me say this: I’ve suffered from depression. It runs in our family. A lot of us have felt the black pit it creates.  I know what Jackie was feeling.  I’m guessing not to the extreme at which she’s felt it for the past several months.

So there I was last Wednesday. Wondering what will happen. Finding out on Facebook that Jackie is gone (before she officially was — for the record, thanks to the magic of small town rumors).

But somehow, I’m okay with it. Why? Because I don’t love my cousin? Because I’m 3 hours away from everything?

Yes on the latter.

I’m not insensitive. I absolutely didn’t want Jackie to die. But i just knew that whatever was building up inside her wouldn’t go away. Day in and day out. Misery. For no good reason other than the fact that …

DEPRESSION IS A DISEASE.

Yes. For those of you who think otherwise, fuck off. Right now. And don’t visit my blog again. Facebook friends? Hurry up and defriend me. I don’t like ignorant assholes.

Depression’s like cancer. It can be treated, but some people may never recover. And some people deal with it their whole lives — even if they take good care of themselves and everything is seemingly fine.

You know what makes depression a disease? The fact that people who suffer sometimes have no reason to feel the way they do.  And sometimes don’t even recognize that they are feeling bad.  Their world just starts collapsing left and right.

Which brings me back to Jackie. I can’t say for sure, but I feel like there was no reason for her to feel the way I’m guessing she did. And it probably spiraled so far out of control that she just wanted it all to stop.

I’ve been there. There comes a desperate moment where you want to claw your eyes out just to make the inner dialogue and hysterical thoughts stop. It stops briefly when you sleep, but it comes back tenfold when you wake up. Mornings are the worst.  I got help, and was able to recover for now. But I know it’s something I’m going to have to monitor closely for the rest of my life.

So, Jackie, I understand why you did what you did.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you. I wish depression hadn’t taken you, but it did.  I keep hoping that tomorrow I will wake up and none of this will have happened. But I know that isn’t the case.

I vow to not let depression take me away again. And I promise that I will fight hard to not let it take my life, or any of my friends or family’s life ever again.

In memory of Jackie, to remind myself that I’m loved and to be sure in those desperate moments — should they ever come again — that depression doesn’t take me, I got another tattoo today.

It’s simply the word “love” on my right wrist.  On my handwriting.  I use my right hand for everything.  I can’t pick up anything now without being reminded of Jackie, the love we all felt for her and the sadness we feel now, and the love people (including myself) have for me.

I am going to end this by saying this: fuck you depression.  I will not let you claim another person that I love.

PS I almost forgot.  Jackie was an organ donor. So now somebody has a new beautiful pair of blue eyes. And somebody else has a functioning liver.

Share on Facebook

1.5 years.

[first pic together as a couple — with Steph and Nathan, October 2009]

18 months.

[Mark's undergraduate commencement, December 2009]

547 days.

[randomly cute, January 2010]

13,128 hours.

[Rebelling like Billy Idol — Night of the Living Prom — February 2010]

787,680 minutes.

[Malachi's wedding, May 2010]

47,260,800 seconds.

[ New Year's 2011]

I’m looking forward to spending more years, months, days, hours, minutes and seconds with you. I love you, babe.

Share on Facebook

I left a little surprise on my kitchen table for Mark. He’s been working incredibly late hours the past few weeks. So I wanted to do something nice for him.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch treat in the shape of a heart. So much more awesome than a regular Rice Krispie Treat.

Noms.

Share on Facebook

My friend Kelly recently asked a question on her blog —do you agree with the following?

Love is not an emotion, it is a decision.
- @erinscreen (via twitter)

My answer? I think it’s both.

Love starts out as an emotion and turns into a decision.  You’re initially attracted to somebody and there’s a whole myriad of emotions  tied to that, but somewhere along the lines, if you want to keep that person around, you’ve got to make a decision whether to continue loving that person.

If a relationship is going to work, there has to be a good mixture of both emotion and decision.

The last relationship I was in was all decision. We’d decided to stay together for EVER and clearly there was hardly any emotion left in the end but we’d vowed to stick with it, so we did. Until we both realized we were both miserable together and it was silly to stick together and split. Side note, he’s still one of the best friends I could ever ask for. And yes, I’m publicly thanking him for that because he goes above and beyond the call of duty of our friendship most of the time.

Love has to have a good mixture of emotion and decision because if it’s all emotion, emotion is fleeting. If you’re with somebody who’s with you based on just the emotions he’s feeling … well then, POOF. When those emotions calm down, he’s out of there.

That was my philosophical answer to that question. Take it or leave it.  Coming from a long-term relationship junkie, I think my authority on this is pretty solid.

Share on Facebook

I suggest those of you with weak gag reflexes skip this post.

Today is my one-year-anniversary with my fabulous beau.  I can’t believe it’s been a year, yet it seems like we’ve been together forever. If I made a list of everything I could ever dream of having in a man, Mark would be all of those things — plus many more that I never would have thought of. He is amazing, and together we are unstoppable.

I’ll spare all the gushy details, and instead, clobber you with disgustingly cute photos (in ascending order of course)

October 29, 2006 — just friends. And he’s giving me bunny ears. AND we totally have the same freaking haircut. If we end up together, our kids will have amazingly gorgeous hair.

October 2010 — my 25th b-day — not together yet, but here are my boys Mark and Matt

October 2010 — Our first appearance in public as a couple … with the most gorgeous couple EVER, Nathan and Steph

December 2010 — Mark’s undergraduate commencement

January 2010 — um yeah.

February 2010 — Night of the Living Prom — this is our Billy Idol look.

May 2010 — not sure what we’re doing. But it’s cute.

June 2010 — at our friend Malachi’s wedding reception or the after party party.

July 2010 — up close and personal. And such.

Also July 2010 — Mark’s b-day trip. Right after I chopped my hair off.

October 2010 — at El Bait Shop

Here’s to many more happy years *hopefully* together.

Share on Facebook

It’s another weiner-free weeeeeeeeeekend.  I shouldn’t be this excited, but my lil dog is kind of like having a misbehaving 3-year-old.  If you’re reading this, that means I’m in Minnesota and Barnabus is at Steph‘s place for the weekend.

Why, do you ask? Because I’m going to see SLAYER. MEGADETH. AND TESTAMENT.

Yes. Almost the big 4, but not quite.  Good enough for me — good riddance to Metallica anyway.  Dave Mustaine is where it’s at, as you can tell by my fabulous kitchen decor.

(a super old pic … but seriously. this guy is badass).

Anyway, I so can’t wait to see Megadeth and Slayer again … and I’m excited about Testament. I’m kind of disappointed that we’ve got nose-bleeds because last time I saw Megadeth I was close enough to touch Dave. On the railing. Man, you MN peeps are wimps. I got more beat up at the Jimmy Eat World show in Iowa than I did at Gigantour that year!

Wow. I’m rambling. Sorry — I get excited about these things then go into douchey metal dude speak.

Anyway, I’m going to have a great time and maybe get some decent photos. Regardless, I’m so going to H&M when I’m in Minnesota … seriously.

Gotta love how I’m going to a thrash show and all I can think about is shopping …

I’m going to leave you with one of my favorite Megadeth songs.  I say one of them because they’re all pretty much amazing. Enjoy!

Not to mention — this one is a gem from ’91 — Dave Ellefson on bass … drool (not because I think he’s hot, but because he’s amazing!) … it’s almost a shame I don’t have the same hair as these guys anymore.

Share on Facebook

My friend Adria, who got me into quilting, is having a reallllllly awesome sale right now on her quilts. She makes the most gorgeous modern quilts and has the BEST taste in fabric (I learned from the best!)  She just finished a custom robot quilt for a little boy named Jack.  She taught me most of my skills, so I thought I’d show some love.

Anyway, check the sale out. Tell her chimes sent you and she MIGHT give you an even better deal!

<3

Calee

Share on Facebook

Waiting for Kasey to call. We never did do anything for our 3-year anniversary so we are going to do something tonight. Not sure what, but I really don’t care because I just want to spend time with him.

Yesterday we took a few pictures on Photo Booth like we used to all the time. Here’s a couple of the really cute ones.  He thought it’d be funny if he licked my face. Not so much.

Share on Facebook

Warning: totally cute boyfriend stuffs ahead. If you think this may gag you, don’t read on.

teh be eff frosted it for me.

Those of you who know me probably hear me complaining about how my boyfriend, Kasey, doesn’t do cute stuff like he used to. Well I guess that happens after 3 years in any relationship, but nonetheless, he used to do ridiculously cute stuff for me constantly…like at least once or twice a day.  He’d write notes, make stuff for me, write songs for me, etc.

Anyway, this Tuesday was our 3 year anniversary. The forecast called for a giant snow dump on Tuesday, of course.

Monday night I came home from work and went to Target to get a few last minute things before our potluck at work…and took forever. I got back and Kasey was sitting on my couch in my apartment. He drove down to see me since he figured we wouldn’t see each other with the snow coming. Totally sweet.

Thursday night we had planned to go out with some friends to celebrate their graduation, but then I got really sick with a 24-hour stomach flu or food poisoning or lord-knows-what. He went out but took care of me when he got home in his drunken state. I was so out of it I had no idea he was drunk, but last night our friend Drew asked me, “So was Kasey pretty bad when he got home?” I guess my normally 2-beer-boyfriend had an irish car bomb and a few more beers than usual. He stayed up to take care of me and to sober off, he confessed last night.

Well, Friday night I finally felt better and was able to eat again after lying in bed all day and drinking 2 gatorades and eating a bowl of ramen (yes, ramen.). We somehow got on the topic of deep fryers and how he’d deep fry a poptart and maybe some cereal (since that’s about all he knows how to make).  Then he mentioned toaster strudels, and I was like, “OMG I love toaster strudels!”  Anyway, next thing I knew, he brought me in my gatorade with a toaster strudel frosted all cute with a heart on it.

It was as if he’d given me a dozen roses. The little things I guess are what matters.

Share on Facebook